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Everything I need to know in life I learned from Paris Hilton

Ever since I was a teenager, I have been a victim of pop culture. Reality shows, fashion and bad music are still some of my favorite things. When I listen to music from the mid 2000s, I automatically get transported to my adolescent years in which life was easier. And I cannot help but wonder: why has my life been such a failure since then? Maybe a piece of me died after Britney shaved her head in 2007. Maybe I still haven’t gotten over the final episode of Friends and that is dragging me back. Or maybe, only maybe, adult life made me forget Paris Hilton’s wisdom.

Let’s make something clear. This article is not a love letter to Paris Hilton, but the basis to write a Sacred Book about her, our Messiah. Do you think I’m exaggerating? Maybe, but for sure your opinion about her will change after you’ve read all that she has done for me.

She made me a morning person (for a while) 

As an average teenager, I loved music and was always setting my favorite songs as an alarm. Huge mistake! I’ve never been too much of a morning person, so it’s not difficult to realize that I ended up hating every song. All of a sudden I couldn’t listen to my favorite music anymore and it was devastating. So I thought: Stars are Blind from Paris Hilton will do. I like the song, I won’t listen to it at any party (because let’s face it: it’s bad) and if I end up hating it, it’s only Paris Hilton, whatever!

Needless to say, this song made me enjoy waking up and till today it makes me happy.

 She gave me the best advice ever 

Well, not to me particularly, but I for sure practiced it: “When you’re older and you don’t want to do housework, just do everything wrong, because then, you won’t be asked to do it again”.

Let’s all take off our hats and bow before the brilliant person who said this.

This great advice works perfectly as an adult. Unfortunately, for a young and naïve teenager, not so much. It later backfired massively and literally made me useless.  Luckily, I had Paris to guide me through those tough times too.

She taught me that there is no shame in being useless 

As a proud fan of ‘The Simple Life’ I can tell you that thinking about it lifted me up whenever I missed mom while living alone. Who knows how to clean, wash, or cook by the time you move out from home? Well, not me. My mom would’ve been ashamed if she had seen me perform daily chores, but you know what? I didn’t care because just like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, at least I made people laugh at my misery.

She taught me that no matter how bad your situation is, you can still be fabulous 

I will always remember Paris’ mugshot after she went to jail. Her make-up and hair were flawless. She looked so good that I even thought: ‘If I ever go to jail, I wish to look this good’. Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, wishes do come true. Even though I was only at the police station for a night and did look awesome, it was not fun.

Drinking and driving is no joke – Paris and I had to learn that the hard way, so take our advice and don’t do it!

She taught me that it is totally okay to be the bad influence in your group of friends as long as your reputation remains unharmed 

Not to blame Paris, but coincidentally, poor Britney and Lindsay used to hang out with her by the time they both hit rock bottom. Their pictures were awesome, though. They always showed a perfect Paris with a totally wasted friend.

Fortunately, my friends’ parents think I am a saint, and it’s not that I am not, but this has never stopped me from posing next to a drunk friend for a picture or daring them to call their exes.

She taught me that there’s nothing wrong in dreaming big 

Let’s be honest, she is not especially pretty, nor tall, nor talented, nor intelligent, and most probably she is unbearable in real life. Nevertheless, she managed to release 2 albums with some of the best producers in the world, make a career as a DJ, be a model and become the face of the best and most exclusive brands in the world and be the CEO of her own company. It’s not only fame and money; it’s the attitude, people!

She taught me that it is possible to rise above all circumstances. 

Yes, I get you. She is a Hilton, she has always been rich and popular which makes anyone’s life easier. But right after all her scandals, her family turned their back on her and even scratched her name off from the will. That’s right: Paris Hilton will not inherit any hotel her family owns. Of course it’s sad, but the good news is that she doesn’t need a penny anymore. Even after all that, she has managed to forge her own empire of perfumes, shoes, accessories, make-up and clothes.

After all these points, we can all agree that who laughs at last laughs the hardest. From dumb blonde to role model, Paris Hilton might not be good or intelligent or loved, but for sure knows how to pimp life as the bitch it is.

Orlando Hurtado

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